


if only we could heal ourselves

by ahoy_cinderella



Category: Bodyguard (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M, One-Shot, Vicky and baby Budd's mentioned, challenge piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:21:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24668311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahoy_cinderella/pseuds/ahoy_cinderella
Summary: “Julia …”“It’s fine” She gave him a sad smile and pressed her hand to his cheek; she forced her lips to his and willed herself not to burst into tears “I’ve never told anyone that before.”my lockdown prompts piece.
Relationships: David Budd/Julia Montague
Comments: 10
Kudos: 92
Collections: In Lockdown With Keeley





	if only we could heal ourselves

**Author's Note:**

> this is my piece for the lockdown prompts challenge thing, set up by the amaaaazing, victoria! (DearMissV)
> 
> I started writing this at 7:12pm and it's now 9:31pm so that'll give you some inkling into how shite this probably is. apologies for that but I just wanted to get something written. I've had this idea since we were talking about prompts etc and it wouldn't leave.
> 
> if you've read my other fic 'even if we tumble and fall' you'll know i'm a total whore for feedback so please let me know what you think. good or bad.
> 
> thanks loves! :]

_I'll be the keeper of your heart_  
_I'll be here right beside you_  
_Through the darkest part_

* * *

It was a little after 2am when David finally closed the door to his hotel room at the Blackwood. He didn’t even trouble with the lights just kept the room blanketed in darkness apart from the slivers of light that cracked through the blinds he had opened that morning, the streetlights below offering a faint orange glow. He grappled with his jacket, sighing as the zip got stuck before yanking the small metal ring hard, the sound he heard didn’t sound normal, but he couldn’t be bothered checking if he had broken it or not. He kicked off his shoes, unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his trousers tearing them off with his socks before collapsing in a heap on the bed. He shuffled around, trying to pull the covers out from under his own weight but gave up after barely any time at all and just buried his face into the soft, downy pillow.

“Hey…”

His head popped up at the quiet voice. “Hi” He replied, “Why are you still awake?”

The brunette shrugged from the adjoining door to her own hotel room, her arms folded over her chest as she pushed the door open slightly, not quite the whole way open, not wanting to intrude on his space if he didn’t want her there.

“Couldn’t sleep, I heard you coming back” She whispered, “How’s Ella?” She asked, he could hear the concern in her voice.

“She’s fine” He groaned, rolling onto his back before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, bringing himself a to sitting position, “She’s in a cast for six weeks, luckily it was a pretty simple break, so she doesn’t need surgery.”

“That’s good” Julia said, her voice still quiet.

David took in the sight of her, Julia Montague, the Home Secretary of the United Kingdom, the most powerful woman in the country and his secret lover. She stood in her silk pyjama set, a navy-blue strap top and shorts, the shorts riding so high up her legs he could admire her thighs, her arms folded and her hair which was once perfectly curled, now messy waves from rolling around in the sheets. “Come here” He said, holding his hand out to her.

Julia gave him a soft, tired smile and grasped his hand in hers, standing between his open legs “How are you?” She asked running her fingers through his hair with her free hand.

“Shattered. She was seen quick enough but waiting around for x-ray and then to get her cast on was a bloody age.” He replied with a chuckle, wrapping his free arm around her waist. “You’ve got a busy day tomorrow; you should be sleeping” He said, pressing a kiss against her stomach through her top.

“I know,” She nodded “…I was worried” She told him, quiet hesitation lacing every word.

“Yeah?”

Julia nodded in reply, a loose curl falling over her eyes “You looked so troubled, I didn’t know what to do.”

“There was nothing you could’ve done” He smiled “But thank you…for your concern”

Julia let out a soft chuckle “You’re welcome”. She ran her fingers through his messed-up hair once more “Come on,” She said, pushing on his shoulders, “You’re exhausted”

“I am” He nodded, shifting back onto the bed “Stay?” He asked

“Of course,” Julia climbed over him onto the soft covers, both of them shuffling around to get themselves comfortable. “So, six weeks in a cast?”

David laughed “Aye, she’s chuffed though because she got a purple one. Can’t wait to show all her wee friends at school on Thursday. Vick’s keeping her off school tomorrow just because she’s had a late night and so she’s got a day to get used to the cast.” He rolled onto his side, unabashedly wrapping his arm around Julia’s waist, his face buried into her silk covered abdomen as she settled herself back into the pillows.

Julia stifled a laugh, admiring how adorable he was when he was exhausted. She ran her fingers softly over his hair, tracing the side of his jaw with her thumb thinking about how terrified he had been just a few hours earlier. They had finally made their way back to the Blackwood just after 6pm, both of them tired, desperate for food and for each other. Julia had barely kicked her heels off before the adjoining door had been pushed open and he was on her, their mouths meshed in fervent kisses. They were both half way undressed and her mouth half way down his chiselled abdomen when his phone went off, he ignored it the first time, his hands in her hair encouraging her to continue on her journey south but when the shrill sound of his phone went off seconds later, Julia had a gut feeling something was wrong.

Vicky had called in a panic; Ella was being taken to hospital. She was at one of her friend’s house’s for tea after school, and on a trip to the park afterwards, the eight-year-old had slipped from the monkey bars and landed awkwardly on her wrist. Julia had watched David’s face turn grey as he was told his little girl was being rushed to hospital. He had jumped up and quickly re-dressed, forgoing his button up shirt and blazer, grabbing his jacket from his room, throwing it on over his t-shirt and immediately arranging security with the guard outside.

“She’s too bloody stubborn” He muttered “She’s been told she’s no allowed on the high bars, but she went on them anyway.”

“Oh well…” Julia smirked “I wonder who she gets that from”

David laughed and tightened his arms around her. He felt so lucky that despite what had happened that evening and the fact he couldn’t be home with his daughter, he was able to come back to Julia. It hadn’t been long, almost seven weeks of being stuck in the Blackwood but since that first night, he knew that this relationship was different.

“Aye, she’s getting more defiant as she’s growing up” He admitted, thinking back over his young daughters’ life

“Yeah?” Julia asked, sensing he wanted to reminisce and tell her everything about Ella’s life so far.

“She wasn’t planned. Mistake’s the wrong word though, well I guess it was a mistake but more of an accident.” He told her honestly. “Vick and I hadn’t been together long. I was back from a tour for a couple of months and I stupidly got her pregnant” He sighed “I wouldn’t change it for anything, not now we’ve got Ella but god it was daft at the time.”

Julia stayed silent, continuing her soft movements, tracing her fingers back and forth over his hair and neck. “She was a great baby though, complete opposite of Charlie, he was a fucking nightmare”

Julia felt her laughter burst from her chest “What a thing to say!”

“Aw, he was though, Julia” David groaned, laughing with her. “He was always screaming, couldn’t put him down, he was always wanting to be held and just screamed for no reason.” He explained “Ella was always chilled, just content with watching the world go by”

“They’ve switched places now, mind” He said “Charlie’s right quiet and keeps himself to himself and Ella’s queen bee. Loves the attention, she’s always dancing around to something.”

“They sound fun” She whispered, cursing herself as she felt tears in her eyes and a twinge in her heart. Children had always been an odd topic for her, she had never fully known if she had wanted to be a mother or not and it was something she was always critiqued for in the media, _especially_ during her marriage.

“Aye, they’re no bad for a drunken accident, I suppose” David laughed, “I wouldn’t be without them for a minute, no matter what I felt back then. When Vick told me, she was pregnant I just felt sick. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing, I had just finished my first overseas tour. How the fuck was I supposed to be a dad to a kid with a woman I barely knew?”

“You made it work though” Julia replied, “That’s the main thing”

“That’s true.” He nodded his tired head against silk “Despite what happened with me and Vick, I wouldn’t change the kids at all.” A silence fell over the two, with Julia’s soothing movements back and forth across his skin, David felt himself fall into slumber against her, with their legs tangled together and his hands under the hem of her top.

“You’re making me wish I’d had ... an _accident_ ”

The sad whisper broke him from his sleepy state, he curved his hand around her waist and gently squeezed her bed-warm skin, lifting his head, he pressed his mouth to her collarbone and sighed “You still could?” He whispered back

Julia shook her head in silence “No, I’d be an awful mother” She tried to joke, a sad laugh escaping her lips, but he could hear the break in her voice, the emotion of her thoughts catching in her throat threatening to choke her.

“You’d be amazing” He told her; his voice whispered against her skin. “You never know until you try”.

Julia sighed and turned in his arms, the pair now lying side by side, limbs tangled. “It’s not something you can just try out for a couple of weeks and then stop though is it?” She looked into his eyes, the blue still piercing despite the utter darkness around them making her heart jump.

“Nah, I suppose not”

“It’s different for women. Men still have the choice, stay or walk away from the moment they are told, but women…we still have to grow them and give birth and I mean then you could walk away…some women do…”

“Have you ever thought about it? Having kids?” David interrupted

“A couple of times” She admitted, breaking his gaze. “Andrew, the man I was with before Roger, he had it all planned out.” She told him, “He wanted three kids. When we started getting serious, he asked me about children, and I said yes.”

“What happened?”

“I got scared” Her whispered confession broke his heart “I was working on a case at the time, a man accused for robbery, it was open and shut, all the evidence proved he did it but I couldn’t stop looking at his girlfriend in court. She had three kids, the oldest couldn’t have been older than five, she had to drag them to court with her because they couldn’t afford childcare and neither of them spoke to their families. I don’t know why but it terrified me. She was on her own now with three young children, her partner was going to jail”

“That wasn’t you” David wrapped a stray curl around his finger and pushed it back from her face, “That _never_ would’ve been you”

“I know. I knew it then as well; I just don’t think I could have ever done it by myself. Especially back then” She brought her hand to her face, slyly trying to wipe away the stray tear that had somehow broke free and escaped down her cheek. “It just went too fast. All of a sudden, we had been together for two years and he was suggesting marriage and kids. I was 29, making a name for myself as a bloody good lawyer. I just…I couldn’t see myself still having that career with kids”

“And Roger?”

“Oh god no, I wouldn’t wish him on anyone especially not a child.” Julia cringed “His parents were constantly making digs whenever we’d see them. According to them he needed to ‘make an heir’ and quick.” She rolled her eyes “I overheard his father telling him the first time I’d met them that while he was older than me it was fine because I was still ‘ _prime breeding material_ ’. It was an almost instant decision on my part to never carry on that bloodline”

“That’s…disgusting.” He gagged, “He should’ve been castrated at birth”

They lay in silence for a few moments, David still trying to comprehend the disgusting comments made by her ex father-in-law “You’re in a different place now.”

“I’m in a worse place now” She chuckled sadly, “Can you imagine me having a child? I have no stable relationships, the media frenzy itself would be unbelievable. Not to mention the death threats …”

“Julia …”

“It’s fine” She gave him a sad smile and pressed her hand to his cheek; she forced her lips to his and willed herself not to burst into tears “I’ve never told anyone that before.”

“I won’t tell anyone” David returned her small smile and kissed her forehead. “And for the record, I reckon you’d be a fucking fantastic mum.”


End file.
